week 27: what you don't know

It was a good day. i mean, i thought it was.
It was Tuesday. We had dinner. Everything was happy. We said our goodbyes with a smile, but hours later
i log in and you send me that message.
You send me a message.
A message.
It said that it has to be over. All of it. All five months. Poof. Gone. Like that. Just. Over.
Over.
It was no surprise, but it hit like a waiting
hammer.

What you don't know is that i almost did it
Myself

i spent hours away from you in agony; debating
There was distance, coldness.
You seemed to stop caring. But that must
must
be my fault. i can change it.
i can change it. Can't i?
Can't i, please?
Please?
??

but i decided
i decided
that there was something worth saving
despite the animosity
i loved you
“i love you”
i wanted to keep the illusion
the illusion that fooled
me
oh gullible me

but that night
i insisted you had
to say it to my face
doesn't make sense
didn't make sense
i couldn't process until i saw you



it had been raining that night
i put on my hoodie and went out
to meet you
to face rejection
i'm no coward
was it still raining
as i walked to the car?

i don't know

i don't know
i remember shaking
shaking because i was scared
shaking because i didn't know
what to do
what to do?

And then you said it
i cried
i cried for so long
it hurt
it hurt so much
love saying “no”
love?
no
not anymore
the mirror shatters

i remember
i remember the good face, the good sport; trying to make something positive out of it.
i promised to still be your friend.
What an idiot i was. i should have vowed never to see you again then and there.
But
i
still
loved
you

i get back to my room
solace?
Where is solace?
Solace?
i wanna scream
i want to scream
but i can't
i can't scream
i can barely stand. i can barely stand because my legs are shaking and i can barely think to even think. What does that even mean?

i get back to my room
i collapse on the floor.
the pain
it won't go away
no
no
i crawl up the couch and lay there. i can't think. straight can't i think.
All i see is your face.
And your rejection.
The inevitable has come.

And then two weeks later.
i asked to try again
and you said no
then it was over
i never tried again
and i'm glad

you promised we'd be friends
and we tried
and you failed
you failed
not me
i wanted to be with you
i liked you
but you're selfish

you
you
you

Who am i to you?
i hope i'm just a shadow in your life. i hope that something eclipses me in your life. i hope you never want to see me again. i hope that so very much because i hope that i never see you. You need to be gone. You need to be gone away from my thoughts.
purge
purge
purge
go away
don't come back

part of me
still loves you
part of me
wants all that
back.
Part of me
wishes
it had
never
happened.
Part of me
really
really
hates
you

not for breaking my heart
i am glad to be
free
from you

not for turning
your back on me;
the man
you said
you
love

but for what
you turned
me into

you left
me broken
shattered
a million pieces
so much
anger
so much
hatred

purge
purge
purge


all the time
i go back to collapsing
onto my floor
in grief
in agony
in love

i look down at my broken self
i tell him to get up
“she's not worth it,”
i say.

But he doesn't listen.
He doesn't want to.
Never
i can never go back.

And that's what you don't know.
You don't know that i still can't scream.
You don't know what i would scream.
And I hate what i would scream.
I hate what i feel.
I hate what it makes me.

i am a different person
after you.
But
am i better?

My one true fear is that the answer to that question is
No.

i won't let
that;
my fear
and you
control
me

i can't.

That's what you don't know.